Malik's First Hemorrhoid
by TJ Robinson
Summary: Malik experiences his first hemorrhoid... and of course there's plenty of Preparation H, crazy people and bunnies, blowguns, padded cells, macaroni and cheese, pepper, old maid, sick bathroom humor and MXC to go around!


A/N: My first fic ever posted, as well as the first humor fic I've ever written. Well, I guess I'll just let it speak for itself.

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

**Malik's 1st Hemorrhoid**

I was just sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating all the sugar I could hold in my mouth, when I felt an uncomfortable itching from…down there. I did a double take over to Marik, Ryou and Bakura, making sure they were too busy watching "MXC".

'_Good,_' I thought, _'I really need to scratch **NOW**!_'

I whipped my hand down my pants, clawing at the skin, feeling the friction of the rubbing burn my butt.

"Malik?"

Ryou stared at me; his wide eyes completely focused on my hand down my pants.

"Uh…just a little…"

I stopped. The realization hit me like Bakura had hit me with a stick on his 5,000th birthday (I had been the piñata). The pain began to rise up, a tidal wave emerging from my backside, the stinging, burning fire coming from underneath me, like I was sitting on hot coals.

What happened? A hemorrhoid…my first hemorrhoid.

I couldn't let them find out, no, I would loose all the respect they had for me, which was really none, but still, I didn't want them to find out. When Ryou had turned his attention back to the show, I relaxed, and sat watching some dude crash into a wall.

The camera moved back to Kenny and Vick.

"Hey Vick," Kenny started, "I met this girl last night, you know, some Girl Scout on the street, and she looked pretty hot, so you know I invited her up."

"Kenny!" Vick screamed, "Girl Scouts are girls!"

"No, this one was, like, 25 or something, so I brought her up, and she did this Girl Scout dance ritual, but when she took it off, her cheeks were redder than that guy's nose bleed!"

Vick hit Kenny over the head with his fan, but when the full account of that sick speech wiggled its way into my nose and into my brain, my mind clicked. I put my hands up my cheeks, trying to push it back up, losing a useless battle.

"You won't win, colon!" I shoved my hands up my rear, feeling that fragment of the intestine, and I pushed, and pushed, trying so hard to relieve my stinging pain. I screamed in frustration, I whipped off my pants, and began to do some sort of wrestling match/ dance.

My hands were halfway up my butt, and I flopped on the ground like a fish.

"Ugh…UGH!" I looked up, only to see two pairs of eyes were on me, staring at me like I had 8 heads.

"Mal…ik?" Bakura looked at the hand all the way up my rump, his eye twitching.

"Oh dear!" Ryou passed out in Bakura's lap, and Bakura, still in state of shock, kicked him off.

"Malik!" Marik said, his attention still focused on the show, where some guy was being crushed by a Styrofoam football player, "If you're going to practice your dance, go upstairs!"

"But…but…" Bakura stuttered.

It echoed in my mind: '_Butt…butt…butt…butt…_'

"Stop torturing me! I'd rather spend a day with the Pharaoh than have my rear end violated by my colon!" Bakura gasped, and Ryou, well, Ryou was still unconscious, so he did nothing.

I rushed to the bathroom, and pulled my underwear down, which, by the way, I hadn't changed in 5 days. I whipped them across the room, but not before doing my sexy dance.

"I'm too sexy for my underpants, too sexy for my…uh…HEMMORHOID!"

"Now, back to business!" I threw open the medicine cabinet doors, and grabbed the first thing I saw. Not reading the label, I threw it on my caboose, praying to Ra the burning would stop.

It didn't work. I felt a tingling foaming sensation on my bum, and I laughed until I started to fart, but then I held the bottle up to my face. Aquafresh toothpaste had just gone up my butt, on my butt, and caused a foamy, fluoride-filled, sensation on my rear.

"Dang…it still hurts, but at least now my butt smells minty fresh."

I cried in agony.

"Why, what did I do to deserve this?"

Figuring there was nothing else to do, I limped back to the living room.

"Ow…ow…ow…ow…"

I sat down on the couch, my eye twitching. The show had just ended; the commercials came on. There were two people, sitting in limo.

"One of these people used Preparation H today. Can you tell which one?"

An old woman in the white hat sat completely still, a goofy smile on her face, while some old dude's face was flushed, his eyes widened in fear and pain, like he had seen a ghost, hopping around in his seat, scratching his rump like there was no tomorrow. I had absolutely no idea which one used Preparation H that day.

"Preparation H, for fast relief."

I sat still, resisting the urge to ask Marik if he had any Preparation H. The next commercial came on… and I watched as they flashed a baby's butt in my face, while the mother reached for the baby powder.

"Try Johnson's and Johnson's new and improved Baby powder, so your baby can have a happy bottom."

They showed a close up of the kid, smiling and drooling, wearing only a diaper. I wanted to kill that kid; I wanted a happy bottom, my butt was begging me to relieve it. I finally answered its call. I whipped off my pants again, then begging on hands and knees:

"Marik, I need…I need…"

"Yeah, what?"

**What I mean to say:**

"I'M IN PAIN! NEED PREPARATION H, NOW!"

**What I said:**

"I'M INSANE! NEED PEPPER RATIONS NOW!"

Ryou had just woken up, but he screamed, and yelled, "Give him what he wants! Now!"

Ryou passed out on the floor near me again, and Bakura ran into the kitchen.

I heard him say, "Now, where does he put it? Oh, here it is!" I saw him come back into the room, but he had pepper in his hands.

"How much do you want?"

**What I meant to say:**

"Put it down! I want Preparation H!"

**What I said:**

"Put it in! I want pepper rations!"

I pointed to my bum, and hesitantly, Bakura sprinkled the spice on my buttocks. Instantly, I felt the spicy burn of the seasoning, and I rubbed my butt.

"What is it Malik? Are you dying?" I saw an insane smile cross Marik's face.

"I think he needs to go to the asylum, just for today." Bakura stood against a wall, his arms crossed against his chest.

"Well, good thing it's only a minute or so down the road. Come on Malik!"

Marik dragged me out the door, followed by Bakura, and Ryou, well, he just sort of laid there.

"Ready…one…two…three!"

Bakura and Marik heaved me into the back seat, then worked the buckles around me so I couldn't move.

**What I meant to say:**

"I'm not crazy! Let me out!"

**What I said:**

"I'm crazy! Head out!"

"You got it, Pepper boy." Bakura hit the gas pedal like he was stomping on Ryou, and drove at about 100 MPH for most of the ride. Well, the momentum caused my butt to chafe against the back seat, like the old guy on the commercial.

Those buckles didn't hold me down for long. Soon enough, I was sitting straight up, my face flushed, my eyes widened in fear and pain, like I had seen a ghost, hopping around in my seat, scratching my rump like there was no tomorrow. Now I knew who hadn't use Preparation H that day.

We reached the place in record time, 20 seconds! Marik was pretty mad; last time we came here we got in 23 seconds. Bakura boasted about it for 10 seconds, but when I jumped out of the backseat, he held me down and dragged me into the building.

The receptionist at the desk didn't even look up when we came in. We make frequent visits here; Marik enjoys the foamy walls, I like the funky jackets, Bakura likes the funky medications they give him, and Ryou, well, Ryou likes it when he can get some "private" time.

I shuddered. I didn't want to know what he did during his "private" time.

Anyway, the secretary probably smelled Marik's breath, because she held her nose and pointed down the hall.

"Thanks, but I had a tic-tac today! Honest!"

"Shut up and get him the jacket."

We walked over to the vendor (they had put him there especially for us) and asked him for the 3 usual.

"OK, so that's one small, one medium, and one large, and today we're having a 4 for 1 special, so if you rent 4, you get them all for the price of 1!"

Marik looked around, and saw Ryou rushing through the doors, huffing and puffing.

"Deal." Marik slapped the money of the counter, and grabbed Ryou.

"He's a small too." The vendor gave him the jackets, and we suited up, while Ryou gave his to a passing nurse. I had been having so much fun, I forgot about my hemorrhoid.

"I want 739!"

"I want 742!"

"I want 745!"

"I want to go home…"

Running as fast as we could in our strait jackets, we dashed to our rooms, except for Ryou (who was strolling through the front doors) and waited for the fun to begin. By the time I got to my room, my bum hurt so bad I begged the passing nurses for Preparation H.

**What I said:**

"Please…I have this horrible hemorrhoid, I need Preparation H!"

**What they said:**

"Yeah, that what you said the last time to, but no, you put it on your food!"

I waited a few hours, rubbing my bum up against the soft walls, anything to relieve the pain. Then, my hero came in, holding a tray of Macaroni and Cheese, and wearing a name tag that read 'Trainee'.

"Please sir," I begged, "I really need Preparation H, I have a horrible hemorrhoid."

"Wait..."

He paused, and my eyes grew large, praying to Ra that he didn't know about my "incident" that all the other nurses knew about.

"Aren't you that kid who puts that stuff on his food?"

"Uh…no, that's my twin brother."

He cocked an eyebrow, and said, "OK, whatever." He walked out and went to… Doris.

I glared. Doris, that nurse, she's my mortal enemy. We've had this murderous enemyship ever since she took away my blow gun.

I mean, come on! You shoot someone's big butt once and they take it away. Once! I mean, it didn't go up her crack either, just above it, but she claims she had to get the dart I used surgically removed.

"Hey, I need…"

He started, but was rudely interrupted by Big Butt.

"Sonny, I'm busy right now, can't you see?"

I peaked out of the door, only to see Bakura getting his medications. Lucky…he gets stuff , but I don't get mine!

"Whatever." The trainee walked down the hallway to…another trainee! He wore his "trainee" tag with pride, his chest bulged out while he picked up the lunch trays.

**What he said:**

"Dude, I need some H down the hall."

**What he said:**

"Bro, which room?"

The guy pointed to my room, with the door wide open. I saw the lunch tray guy give the trays to the other guy, and walk down the hall into some sort of room. When he came out, he was holding the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

"Here you go, little dude."

He handed it to me, and my eyes widened like Ryou's when he sees Bakura unconscious, holding his little Grim Reaper stuffed thing, with the syringe of elephant tranquilizer in his arm.

I grabbed his leg and cried, "Thank you so much!"

He picked me off his leg, and ran down the hall, like he was afraid or something. I grabbed the tube, held it up like a sacrifice, took off the cap, but stopped, realizing there was food to be eaten. I put it down, and ran over to the Mac and Cheese, swallowing it in one bite.

Then it was time. It picked up the bottle, already open, but this time, I read the directions.

I ignored everything, but one thing caught my eye: Do not take orally.

I wondered, why do they care if you talk when using it? I only knew that oral meant talking, so orally must have meant talkingly.

I poured it down my throat, trying not to make a sound. It tasted gross, it was sticky like peanut butter, but I knew it would help me. I took my water, and drank it, so I could get the remains of the finished tube out of my throat.

"Hey Malik, ready to go?" Marik was in the doorway, with Bakura leaning on his arm.

"They aren't giving Bakura any more injections, I got kicked out of my room since it's going under for renovations, and you don't look like you're having that much fun either."

"Yeah, let's get out of here."

We walked out to the lobby, returned our strait jackets, which we really hadn't even used; we know how to take them off, and walked out the door. On the way back, I felt like my face was being pinched together, like the time my aunt pinched my cheeks so hard I had to go to the hospital.

"Marik?"

"Yeah?"

"I think something wrong with my face. It's getting tighter…"

"You're crazy Malik," Marik said, "your face can't get tighter, unless…you got a facelift or something."

"No, I didn't I swear. That was Yami and Ryou!"

"Ryou…AND THE PHARAOH?" Bakura screamed. "I'LL KILL HIM!"

Bakura hit the gas, and I flew into that back window! Man, that was fun!

Soon, we had reached our destination, and Bakura practically leaped out of the car, and dashed down the sidewalk to his house, where Ryou was peacefully watering the pink roses, wearing a little gardening hat and pink apron.

Marik and me proceeded to walk towards the house, and on the way in I heard a girlish scream coming from down the lane.

"Man, I'd love to see Ryou tomorrow." Marik said, his eyes getting that evil glint they always do after someone is brutally beaten.

"Well, we may see him sooner. Marik, I swear, my face is closing up."

"Malik, will you drop it?"

By now, my cheeks were pulled to the bone, and my eyes were bugging out because the skin had been pulled so much. My mouth was smaller than a pea, and my ears looked huge compared to the rest of my face.

"Marik!"

"Well, OK, maybe you do look a little…strange. Let's go."

He dragged me out the front door, and walked down the road to Bakura and Ryou's house.

"Marik, you're going the wrong way!"

"No, I'm not. Watch and learn."

He barged through the front door, and Ryou was lying on the rug, looking like he got on the wrong end of a chain saw.

"Did you call an ambulance?" Marik asked Bakura.

"No, what's the point? He's had worse."

Ryou muttered something, but it sounded like a dying bull who's had its tongue ripped out.

Marik looked to Bakura and told him, "Call them, for Malik."

"Yeah, he looks pretty bad."

Ryou looked at me, glared, then muttered something again, which sounded like the dying bull again.

Bakura walked into the kitchen wall, then walked into the counter, then to the phone, where he asked Marik, "What are we going to tell them?"

"Well, for Malik, we'll say he had difficulties after having a facelift with the pharaoh."

I tried to yell, but couldn't, so I kicked Marik instead, who in turn, kicked me back.

"What about albino boy?"

"Tell them that he got attacked by a barracuda."

"Right."

Bakura called, told them to take their time, then hung up and started playing Old Maid with Marik.

Soon, the ambulance arrived, and Ryou and me were carried out on stretchy things. The ride to the hospital was really fun, especially when we hit a bump, and the EMT spilled peroxide all over Ryou, who started screaming like a 5-year-old girl.

I didn't want to leave the ambulance, it was too much fun, so when they tried to get me out, I hung onto the side, screaming I didn't want to go.

"Come on now, little guy, I know the big, meany-weany hospital is a strange scary-wary place, but you have to come with us."

What was I, five? I kicked the guy in his jewels; he bent down holding his crouch and told the other EMT to take me in. I kicked him in the jewels too, but his eyes only watered. I was a big, bwave boy that day, and in the end I got a wollipop!

Anyway, Ryou and me were rushed down a big, long, boring white hallway, and into a room with the letters ER on the door.

'_What does ER mean?_' I thought. _'Elephant's Rump?' _

I didn't want to go into an elephant rump! I didn't even want to go into my own rump! Ryou was dashed down another hallway, and I kept going straight, right into a big room with a silver table, and knives, which made my eyes light up.

"OK…"

The person checked a piece of paper.

"Malik, we're about to give you gas."

I groaned. I didn't want gas; I already had a hemorrhoid! They put a weird thing on my face, and soon, I felt myself drifting off to sleep…

First, I had a dream that Marik was dating Bakura, and that Ryou was dating Yami.

I think I might have screamed, because I heard a clatter, and someone saying, "Oh shoot! That's not good…"

Then, I had a dream that I had a bunny, but the bunny was psychotic and was trying to kill himself.

So, I tried to stop him, and I think I kicked someone, because I heard, "Dang! This is not going well…"

I forget what else I dreamed about, but when I woke up, my face felt fine! My hemorrhoid was gone too!

"OK son, you and your friend are all set, but we're going to have to keep you two overnight, just to make sure you're going to...um…recover normally, and to ask your brothers a few questions."

'_I don't have a brother, neither does Ryou_.' I thought.

'_Do they think…man! They think Marik and Bakura are our brothers!_'

"That's fine, thanks for fixing me and all!"

I hopped off the table, and walked down the hall, and grabbed Ryou, who was sitting in a wheelchair. Bakura and Marik had left the car, and left a note, saying they went for a night on the town, even though we lived in a city. I drove home, really fast too, we made it home in 15 seconds!

Ryou rolled down the street to his house, but on the way in I heard an 'EEEEEK!' and a big boom, so I figured Ryou was OK. Marik got home, drunk, and told me to go to bed. He had Bakura with him, and I went upstairs. I couldn't sleep, I kept hearing strange noises coming from downstairs, that sounded strangely like Bakura and Marik.

While they were doing... whatever they were doing, I decided to write a letter to Preparation H, and tell them my story…

_Dear Preparation H,_

_I ate the whole dang tube of Preparation H, and I had to go in for surgery to have my face fixed, because your stupid medication squeezed it up! May I suggest instead of saying: 'Do not take orally', say: 'Don't eat this or else your face will be squeezed together unmercifully!'. My mouth was smaller than a pea! I was thinking of suing, but I decided not to, because: _

_1. You have tons and tons of money, from all the people who have to suffer from hemorrhoids, and buy your stuff because of the funny commercials, so you'd probably buy the best lawyers and sue me._

_2. It tasted good, so I guess I shouldn't complain._

_3. I'd probably be missing MXC while I'd be in court. _

_I guess that's it, since I stink at writing letters anyway. Smell you around!_

_Malik Ishtar_

Proud with my work, I got an envelope and stamp, and cut my tongue when I licked the fold.

Then, I ate some potato chips, hurt my tongue even more, put a Band-Aid on it, swallowed the Band-Aid, gave up, licked the stamp, hurt my tongue even more, and finally, brought the letter to the mailbox.

I got a call from the hospital, saying that I should've stayed overnight, but they let me off.

The pharaoh and Yugi came over, you know, to say 'get well soon', but it didn't last.

When they left, Yami had 3rd degree burns on his eyebrows, and Yugi was terrified of rabbits. I swear, I didn't do anything to them…anyway, I waited months, well, OK, it was only one week, and I finally got a response from the company.

The letter was all fancy-like, and I ripped it open. It said:

_Dear Customer,_

_Thank you for writing to Preparation H! We are sorry you were not satisfied with our product, and we will do everything we can to help you improve your Preparation H using experience. Enclosed are coupons for free Preparation H, which can be redeemed for our product at your local market. _

_Remember, if you have hemorrhoids, trust the H!_

_The Staff At Preparation H, Inc._

I stood, dumbstruck. I can't believe they wrote back, and didn't insult me, or call me stupid, or anything! I was amazed.

I was so amazed I called everyone, including the pharaoh and Yugi, and invited them to a celebration party! I hung the letter above the mantle, where it has been hanging for almost 5 days now.

Wow, it's been five whole days since I got that letter…I can't believe, it's been so long since I've looked at it... almost 5 minutes. I love you baby; you're the letter of my dreams.

Well, that's my story. I can't believe I just told a bunch of people about my hemorrhoid, and I don't even know them! Well, I guess that's the rewarding thing about being a writer; I don't know you, you don't know me.

Now, since I've told you my story…

GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE! MXC IS ABOUT TO COME ON, AND YOU'RE JUST STANDING AROUND! DON'T MAKE ME GET MARIK DOWN HERE!

Oh crap…crap…I feel the burning, the itching, the swelling, the pain…oh no, another hemorrhoid! NO! ARGH!


End file.
